The Many Ways To Kill Relena
by Kurashi
Summary: Does Relena *ever* give up? Looks like Heero's had just about enough..*Warnings* Relena-bashing, Humor, OOC-ness. ^^ Enjoi and R&R!


By: Kurashi Tokiyama  
  
Warnings: Relena Bashing, Humor, and Extreme OOC-ness. I don't think theres anything else...  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the G-Bois...or Relena (thank God for that one o.O;;; )  
  
Heero walked down the hallway cautiously, keeping a sharp eye out for Relena. He pressed the keys to a keypad wearily and opened the door to his left and stepped inside, finally breathing after a long time of holding his breath. He didn't see Relena anywhere. 'Good. Maybe I can finally get some rest..' Heero sighed and laid his gun on the chest of drawers beside his bed. He plopped down on the bed and curled into a ball, soon after falling asleep.  
  
A strange noise woke Heero promptly. There was a scuffle and then a soft thump. He sat up wearily, immediately knowing it was Relena. He walked over to the light switch and picked his gun up off of the dresser. He cocked it and went around to the other side of the bed, seeing Relena peeking up over the bed at him. He sneered at her and pointed the gun at her head. As he squeezed the trigger Relena stood up and he shot her in the leg. As she fell he shot her two more times in the stomach and arm. Relena lay there and blinked. Heero blew the smoke off the barrel of his gun and walked out of the room. 'If I'm lucky she'll die.'  
  
LATER THAT NIGHT~~~  
  
*Click clack clickity click beeeeeep* Heero typed on his computer in Wing Zero. "Right wing...left wing...hyper jammers...candy stash (in case I ever need to occupy Duo for a while)...laptop.." *clicka click click* "Huh? Plasma sword? ... --sigh-- I'm going to have to ban Duo from coming near Wing Zero...that baka can't leave anything alone..." "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERO!!!!!!!" "Ohhhh..shi-frrrrf!!!" Relena clamped onto Heero before he could even turn around. Heero finally managed to pry her off of his waist and ask, "I'm guessing you didn't die." "Oh Heero, I know that it was just an accident! You really didn't MEAN to shoot me three times, the gun just misfired." Heero sighed and walked out onto Wing Zero's opening platform. Relena followed him like a little puppy even though she had crutches. Heero turned on one foot, brought his hand away from his side, and smacked Relena in the head, sending her screaming off of the platform to the distant ground below; all in one quick motion. Heero smirked to himself. "That'll hurt in the morning."  
  
Duo ran down the hall to Heero's room. He pounded on the door impatiently and finally Heero answered. "HEEEEEEERO you were SUPPOSED to come to BREAKFAST this morning with me and the GUYS!!!!! At the CAFÉ!!!! REMEMBER?!!! Come ONNNNNN!!!!!!" Duo grabbed Heero's arm and rushed away with him. "Hurry up Heero! Yuy you're so slow!" Heero walked down the hallway looking out the window, silently praying that Relena wasn't alive. "Please God let her have been hit by a car or...or stabbed...or shoved off a cliff..." Duo's whining broke into his dream state suddenly. He looked over at Duo and laughed a little. Duo was rattling on and on about how Heero was to have met the guys for breakfast and didn't even bother to try to look nice for *once in his life*. Heero shook his head and felt happy that he was friends with someone so lighthearted. "And just WHAT are you laughing at?! It wouldn't hurt you to wear something besides those spandex thingies-." Duo motioned to Heero's shorts. "...-and that old tank top scrap. I'm gonna buy you some new clothes for Christmas. Tons...you better wear them! Are you listening!?" Heero nodded, smiling. 'Duo's great.' They finally arrived at the café and Heero's heart stopped. Right in front of him sat Relena, chatting with Quatre and a very non-responsive Trowa. Heero, trying to get the concept that she was still alive, tried to scramble out the door but was hopelessly stopped by an angry Duo. Heero walked up to the bar not looking back but knowing that Relena was getting up to engulf him in hugs. Heero knew what was going to happen and was silently waiting for his torture to begin once again. Heero glanced over to Duo, who was peering into the vending machine at the candy bars. Heero thought, 'Chance!' and ran toward the door trying to escape. He got outside successfully, and started running back to his hotel room as fast as he possibly could. He didn't want to even look back, but curiosity won him over and he just had to look. Directly behind him was a very angry Duo wanting change for a candy bar and a very disappointed Relena. Finally reaching his apartment after what seemed an eternity, he locked the door, dead bolted it, and put a chair against the doorknob. Listening for a while, he heard panting and then silence. He looked at the door in confusion, wondering why Duo hadn't tried to break it down yet. Then the big crash came, and Heero nodded contently to himself, grinning a little at the pain-filled moans coming from outside. Heero slid some change under the door knowing that eventually Duo would try to get in through the window if he didn't. Duo knocked on the door and in a muffled voice said, "That's not enough to get a Snickers!!!" Heero slid a ten-dollar bill under the door and huffed, "Happy?" Duo yelled as he was running off, "Thanks! That's enough to get a few! That otta last me until lunch!!" Heero, listening through the door for Relena, heard: "Get out of my WAY!" --crash "Ow" boom "Oh man" bang "Eep" crackthumpstumble-- Then a series of bumps and bangs and an "I'm OK!!" and some hurried footsteps toward the exit. Then Heero listened for a while and heard nothing so he went to lie down. --sigh-- "Wonder what happened to Relena." --KNOCK KNOCK-- "Heeeeeerooooo? Are you hooooooome?" Heero groaned internally. Heero thinking that he might regret it, let Relena in. Then he thought of an idea. 'I'm gonna make a bet with myself that she'll do anything I say if I promise to dance with her...' "Hello Relena." "Oh Heero! I'm so glad to see you!" --GLOMP-- "May I sit down? We have so many things to discuss." "..I'll dance with you if you sit on my window seal." Relena's eyes enlarged to the size of small saucers and she shreiked, "Really!?" Heero nodded. Relena immediately jumped up onto Heero's window seal, and Heero walked over. "Relena, there's nothing to discuss." Heero pushed her out of the window with both hands, closed it, and locked it. 'Please God...let her die...I'll never look at my laptop again, I promise...'  
  
MEANWHILE~~~  
  
Duo popped the change into the vending machine happily. "YES! SNICKERS!" He grabbed the candy bar and unwrapped it, skipping over to a single-seat table to munch on it. As he was taking his first bite, he looked over to the other guys, who were merrily chatting about something. Suddenly, Relena flew by the window screaming. The shrill screams cracked and shattered the window's glass, and sent it flying all over the guys' table. The four pilots, including Duo, ran over to the window to see Relena crash onto the beforehand-neatly-displayed landscaping of the building. Duo cringed. "Ow. I bet that hurt..." He walked calmly over to his table again, as if nothing had ever happened and resumed eating his Snickers.  
  
BACK IN HEERO'S ROOM @ 3 A.M.~~~  
  
Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. "No." Heero woke up from yet another nightmare about Relena. "I have to make sure she's dead!" Heero turned to let his feet drape over the side of his bed. --Deep Breath-- "Let's get this over with." He grabbed his jacket and ran outside. Putting his jacket on, he heard a scuffle in the bushes next to him. Heero groaned loudly. He pulled his .45 out of his spandex shorts and walked slowly up to the bushes. Relena moaned when she saw Heero point the gun at her head. "But...Hee-...I thought..." Heero smirked knowing in his soul that finally he was going to be free of Relena. "You thought wrong." Heero pointed the gun at Relena's forehead and...  
  
THE NEXT MORNING~~~  
  
--KNOCK KNOCK-- "Heero?" Heero sat up in hiis bed, throwing the sheets off of himself and running to answer the door. "What is it Quatre?" "Heero, you'll never believe it. It's so awful!" Quatre had tears in his eyes, something had obviously happened to upset him. Heero repeated himself (something he hates to do), "What is it Quatre?" "HeerotheyfoundMissRelenadeadinthebushesthismorningitwasjustterribleandandsh ewasshotintheheadHeero!" Heero laughed insanely. 'Finally. She's really gone.' Quatre, crying, ran away to find Trowa. Heero fell back on his bed, rolling with uncontrollable laughter. "YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!"  
  
2 MINUTES BEFORE~~~  
  
Duo was skipping down the hallway eating a Snickers when Quatre came running by him at extreme speed. He raised an eyebrow and continued on his way. Upon passing the open door of Heero's apartment, Duo heard Heero scream: "YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!" Duo shuddered. "I don't even wanna know." He threw his Snickers wrapper over his shoulder and continued his walk.  
  
Author's Note: If you all can't already tell, I hate Relena. Heero should've killed her the first time he had a chance!! O.o;; 


End file.
